One of my favorite things in the world is watching historical documentaries (generally biographies) that have extras in the background, looking historical and Very Serious. They’re never allowed to talk, of course, but sometimes they get to “Peas and carrots” their way through something as historians explain things in the foreground. It’s all extras, all the time, and it’s awesome!

The best of these I’ve seen was “The Real Jane Austen,” which aired a while ago on PBS, and was amazing because it took the framework of a talking-heads biography with actors as the talking heads. It was narrated by Anna “I always play harridans for some reason” Chancellor, and starred a list of actors I can hardly believe managed to get in the same project just to make my life easier/worse: Gillian “Stuck in a Cookson” Kearney, Jack “Also stuck in a Cookson I haven’t recapped yet” Davenport, Lucy “Becoming Jane” Cohu, Oliver “I had two lines in Lorna Doone” Chris, and Beth “Yes, I’m Kate’s sister” Winslet.

(Oh, Awesome British Actor Camp, you always know just what to say!)

The one I’m watching at the moment is about the youth of Queen Victoria, with a narrator who seems to be reading her lines off cue cards she has never seen before, and the Queen Victoria extra’s job is to look up off-camera and shake her head “No” every time we cut to her, and it’s delightful. Also it’s about history, I guess.

(If I ever have a month to myself, I should start peoplewhohangaroundindocuemtnariesdatabase.com. Best month EVER.)

So, The Prisoner remake happened on Sunday. And apparently it’s still happening? I fell asleep, so I don’t really know, but I wrote it up at Tor.com, with the headline, “I am not a number! I am a free bland!”, which should pretty much give you an idea of what you’re in for.

And now, an open letter to Ian McKellen!

Dear Ian,

I know none of this is your fault. I chose a production still where you look grumpy, specifically to highlight how much this is not your fault. You are doing a very good job with what you have, even if what you have is Jamie Campbell Bower, and for this I am very sorry, because that dude is a creepster who cannot act, and with Jim Caviezel as your leading man you’re basically not getting ANY help on the co-star front. I feel for you.

To sum up; I hope we are still best friends. I will fly to England the next time you are in a play! I probably will not be able to get tickets to the actual play, but I will fly over there and sort of wave at the theatre as I walk past it, and if you are looking out the window at that moment you will know that I do not hold The Prisoner against you.

Yours sincerely,
Genevieve

P.S. I hope you got to take home some of those suits. You’re the only guy I know who can wear a white suit and not look like an ice cream man.

So, Damian Lewis (an amazing British actor who came to America’s attention after Band of Brothers and Life) is in a stage play with Keira Knightley. He’s also a diplomat. When asked what he thought of Keira’s acting, he said:

Damian Lewis is positive that Keira Knightley will do a terrific job when she makes her debut on the West End stage.

…”She’s got quite a successful acting dad and playwright mum, so she can handle herself – Keira is fabulous, she’s an absolute sweetheart – she’s looking forward to it as well so we’re going to have fun,” he said.

1. Dude, that is MASTERFUL.

2. That is exactly how I feel about Keira Knightley, and many other actors of her ilk. People try the “But she seems so nice!” angle, and that’s hard to argue – Keira was in a domestic-violence awareness promo, she doesn’t stagger around drunk a lot, she seems nice. That doesn’t mean she can ACT, though! She is a bad actor! This is the profession she chose, and it’s sort of her duty to be good at it, you know? People don’t continue to hire shitty accountants.

(Liv Tyler is another one. She’s a very sweet person and a good citizen and everything, but girl cannot emote to SAVE her LIFE. And Natalie Portman, who sometimes shows promise but can easily go through three movies in a year without acting even once! Sean Penn, Al Pacino, Angelina Jolie…you know what, this list will end up being eight hundred people long. I’m stopping.)

ANYWAY, I feel the same way about some of the Game of Thrones cast (which is nearly finalized, and which I wrote up for Tor.com yesterday). Going down the names, which is like Awesome British Actor Camp Varsity, it’s like, “Yes! Check! Check! Awesome! Go! Great one!…wait, really?”

I like Lena Headey as Sarah Connor, I do. I just don’t know if she’s so hot in the period-piece arena. A lot of actors aren’t, and that’s fine, but sometimes an actor doesn’t know that until it’s too late and they’re like Ray Liotta in the Dungeon Siege movie, you know? That hurts everyone.

Over at Tor.com, I wrote about four reasons to watch League of Extraordinary Gentlemen as part of any steampunk immersion. Sure, one of those reasons is just to witness its horribleness, but I think we all know that I believe that suffering through bad movies builds character.

I will say that the movie is remarkable quotable for something that is, in general, so bloodless and banal. I think Stuart Townsend steals the show when, during Dorian Gray’s fight with the vampiric Mina Harker, he moans, “We’ll be at this ALL DAY,” with the sort of over-the-top ennui that you rarely see in good movies.* It’s the sort of make-the-best-of-it feel that only comes from realizing you are cast in one of the shittiest movies of the year. I salute you, brave b-movie veterans!

(Please note that this movie is an example of a particular subculture; Movies with Richard Roxburgh Running. He’s the best runner in Hollywood. Yes, I’m serious. Yes, this is the kind of thing I think about.**)

* This is wonderful when you’re stuck in department meetings. Just imagine him busting in, dropping that line, and swanning right back out.

** Best example – Mission: Impossible II, the scene as he’s stealing the vials, running through the dark hallway. It’s so effortless!

So, FlashForward aired last night! My official review is up at Tor.com.

My unofficial review: when it gets better, someone call me.

This show lost me at the thirty-minute mark, when three characters are talking about the flashforwards in someone’s office. Joseph Fiennes turns to his partner and the FBI director and says, “I saw something.” CUT TO: The sunny atrium in the middle of FBI headquarters. The same three characters are there. The FBI director says, “What did you see?”

Any show where they interrupt a conversation so they can pop out to the atrium for a minute and get a nice quick-cut to build fake suspense is a show that has lost me. See you!

Then it lost me AGAIN at the forty-minute mark.

The surgeon-wife character (who is exactly like every surgeon wife ever on TV) sees a vision in which she is divorced from Joseph Fiennes and is instead dating a shirtless, shoeless, black-pants-wearing, into-the-fire-staring Jack Davenport. She cries a lot, because this makes her sad, because somehow Jack Davenport is worse than Joseph Fiennes.

…girl, do you have a concussion? Upgrade.

I still want to know why the sneaky person who managed to stay awake decided to spend their moment of omnipotence on a baseball field in Detroit. When the show has told me this, I will consider watching again. Maybe.