I have come to accept that The Secret of Moonacre, about whose costumes I have already written much, will never see release in the States because of magical reasons of which I am unaware but probably involve dragons and things. So, I will have to make up this damn movie myself. Luckily, the best website in the world The Costumer’s Guide, had a link to some new costume stills, so like photos of a crime scene, I can use these to piece together what’s happened.

P.S. From these pictures, what happened is not good.

Oh, you can run, young heroine, but you can’t hide.

Funny you mention a crime scene…
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You know how sometimes the American Girl dolls are just slutty, and they all go to school and have adventures and other things that make them into uppity independent harpies you just can’t stomach?

Well, Life of Faith dolls have you covered.

They’ve created a line of dolls based on “classic Christian literature” (The Bible?) for your little homeschooler to cradle at night when she doesn’t have any other friends because you don’t let her play with the heathen children.

Let’s go shopping, shall we? (Disclaimer: the dolls have some serious Harry Potter names going on. I just report the news.)

First we have Kathleen McKenzie, the creepy baby:

The otherwise-unremarkable doll description includes:

“Kathleen is fully-jointed so she can sit, stand, and be posed in many fun positions. True to her enthusiastic style, Kathleen can even lift her arms in grateful triumph or put her hands together in faithful prayer.”

It just gets worse. Stop here if dolls and/or lack of female agency freak you out.
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Push, coming out this month, is a tender story of cultural – and emotional – loneliness. A cinematic child of Lost in Translation, Push is a story about a man who feels lost in a world he doesn’t understand, and the effect two quiet women have on the course of his life during one chilly summer in someplace that looks vaguely Hong Kong-y. Or, like the future. People are lonely in the future; it could work.

We begin with our hero, Joe Caucasian, and his sidekick, Young Lady Where Are Your Tights.

“Seriously. Judging by his kicky layers, it’s cold outside!”
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So I wrote up a movie death match for Tor.com between Inkheart and Bedtime Stories (totally not a fair fight, since one has Adam Sandler in it and automatically loses forever), and as a surprise to no one, Inkheart is more awesome.

And the more I poked around the Inkheart stills, the more awesome it looks. It’s book porn, coat porn, and Awesome British Actor Camp porn. Featuring Helen Mirren and a unicorn. Sold!

Any movie that has a scene in a book market is okay by me!

Please don’t test me by pointing out horror movies or Nicholas Cage movies with book markets in them. I have limits.

So, we open with Brendan Fraser, playing himself as usual, and his daughter Meggie, who maybe live in England. He walks around being hunky and broody, and she’s picked up a bit from old Dad, judging from these pictures. Good on you, Meggie.

Mom got sucked into a book years ago (don’t ask), but they’re not alone: they have Aunt Helen Mirren!

Helen Mirren does not give a fuck what you think of her hat.

Of course, there’s plotcakes, which include Paul Bettany as a fictional character within the fictional movie, as he has apparently become literally too good to be true. That bastard.

Look, a gorgeous coat with Paul Bettany inside!

According to IMDB he comes to warn Brendan about some danger and then hangs around for sidekicky plot reasons, but, uh, in his free time he does a bit of stalking, looks like!

This is what Twilight should have looked like, you know? When a teenage girl is being followed around by a pasty older guy, it looks like this, not like a romance novel cover. Sadly, my earnest feelings towards Paul Bettany preclude me thinking ill of him until he kills a kitten or something.

Speaking of things Twilight should have looked like, when two teens like each other like that, it usually looks like this:

This picture cracks me up. Leave room for the Holy Spirit, you crazy kids!

Also, I’d take his outfit in a flat second. I’d take hers, too, except that the those are not capris, they are overalls and that’s not a good look for me. Or anyone over the age of four. (Sorry, Meggie!)

I will be going to see this movie because it’s got Awesome British Actor Camp veterans in it, basically. Though apparently we’re in for some real action, too, judging from this thrilling battle shot that should probably not have been a widely-released publicity still:

1) That is not flattering to anyone.

2) Thrilling shrink-from-the-breeze action!

3) All I can think of is those elephant comedy-farts that create enough wind to knock cars over. (I’m sorry. I’m twelve.)

Three unrelated costume things make up a post, right? Whatever, they totally do.

1. In Manchester, some enterprising folk stumbled across an enormous amber necklace from what appears to be 4,000 B.C. They politely rant and rave and skillfully avoid the Ye Old Blinge joke I just made, because it’s not like the BBC are interviewing me, and let’s face it, if they were, I’d still say Ye Olde Blinge. Then I’d make finger guns at the reporter.

2. Michael Fassbender is in a new British miniseries. As soon as I can cobble some pictures together and find some awesome YouTube vids set to Evanescence songs, you’ll know more!

3. The Secret of Moonacre has some new stills, and I am falling OUT over these costumes. They are just gorgeous.

Click for a bigger image of this amazing jacket. Also, of Bob the Rabbit in the middle of an important Mayoral conference.

Quickly, name how many gorgeous things are in this picture!

I see the black coat first. I always see the coat before I see the person in it. It’s like a sickness.

And I joked before about steampunky elements here, but they are, it turns out, not joking around IN THE SLIGHTEST:

Many unnecessary buckles? Check. Random samurai armor? Check. Small, not-warm scarf? Check.

Also check Lyra on the right there; that is a pretty good stinkface – not as good as Nora’s stinkface, but the kid’s no slouch. I dig her Pre-Raphaelite silhouette and I LOVE her oversize embroidered cuffs. I even like the blue ribbon contrast, though it looks suspiciously like she’s wearing a moonstone pacifier and headed to Ye Olde Rayve.

*finger guns*