So, two things about this year’s Golden Globes:
1. The wrong people won a lot of important awards.
2. It rained.
That second thing disrupted the event in a way that the horrible results seemed not to, which means that people were running through the drizzle with the sort of look generally reserved for the otters you see in the oil-spill commercials. Style this year was largely related to how nonchalantly you could hold an umbrella.
We’ll get to that.
“It’s dial-up madness in here!”
First up, though, it’s time for Best-Dressed!
Best-Dressed, Under-30 Division: Carey Mulligan.
This dress is an amazing navy blue flowery spiderweb, which is lovely. It’s also clearly heavy, since it’s inching right off her chest, but people dressed so poorly this year that she was basically the best we could do.
Best-Dressed, Over-30 Division: Julia Ormond
It’s classic to the point of being dull, but the jewelry in the close-up looks like the bottom of a really fancy aquarium, which I dig.
Best-Dressed, Dude Division:
Love the bowtie, love the boyfriend. Two thumbs up.
Also Two Thumbs Up:
The more I looked at this dress, the more I liked it. It’s ever-so-slightly bridesmaidy, but she picked a good year for it, since a lot of women looked like Rose Parade floats for some reason, so she gets a pass! Plus, I dig the back:
I don’t like her show, but I sure like her dress in this picture.
I KNOW. I dislike her so immensely! Worst part of Keen Eddie! And yet, if you’re going to go on the red carpet in your Nordic Armor dress with your hair plaited like Brunhilde on a bender, I will reward it. How can I not? (This hurts me more than it hurts you, trust me.)
ETA: It has been pointed out that I got punk’d by a picture from 2007. This makes a lot more sense than the idea that someone actually invited Sienna Miller anywhere this year. So, we’ll just pretend this part of the entry is in 2007. Man, I can’t wait for The Dark Knight! How about you guys?)
“SO, THE E! CHANNEL DIDN’T LIKE MY PANTSUITS? FINE, HAVE A DRESS MOST WOMEN HALF MY AGE COULDN’T CARRY OFF. ENJOY.” *grits teeth*
She almost looks so good!
Embossed palms that make her look like she got her hands on some fancy contact paper: mistake.
I am actually a little angry at her for this, because in the original colors this dress was a STUNNA. Be courageous enough to wear the funky print, Christina!
That girl has some serious Hostage Eyes. It’s all right, Maria Callas Jr.! You can sit down in just a second!
Everyone knows you have to remove one Tate Donovan before you leave the house, Rose. (Where is that dude’s pelvis pointing? Ugh, creeper.)
I am getting the feeling ZoÃ« came in second at a lot of competitions when she was a kid. At least she’s put all those red ribbons to good use?
(I love her for giving a shout-out to her umbrella holder/shoving him away to improve the frame of the shot. Either way, I love it.)
Oh, I Don’t Think So.
Girl, you are wearing the wrong dress to be making a judgey face in.
Oh good, the medical problem trend isn’t quite dead yet!
Um. For her, the height of taste? (Please note Stephen Moyer creepin’ in the background with an umbrella handle. Leitmotif of the evening!)
The strangle-y neckline does no one any justice, and that skirt looks like she wore it on a dare.
LEARN HOW TO DRESS YOURSELF, ELISABETH, THIS IS GETTING OUT OF HAND. (The last thing you want your necklace to do is draw attention to both your awkward hairstyle and your slippery, pinchy bodice’s sleeve-swags. THAT IS THE LAST THING YOU WANT, ELISABETH.)
It’s okay if you don’t recognize her right away. I didn’t, either.
Oh, Marion. You don’t mess up often, but man, when you do, you really do, don’t you? (That’s a girdle/garter belt sticking out of her dress. She’s not wearing stockings, just the garter belt. Also, her dress reminds me of the Tron remake – overworked and unnecessary. OOH, FASHION BURN!)
So, you know that girl who was in your drama class, and one time she pierced her ear with a safety pin because she was too edgy to go to Claire’s, and she was constantly, loudly defying teachers on things like taking attendance, and if you and your friends went to the movies with her she would start making out with someone just to show how free-spirited and edgy she was, and then she’d pick a fight with someone about it and storm out, and then she’d write poetry about how she just wanted to DIE and tell everyone about it but get super-upset if anyone asked to read them because her heart was a Closed Book?
In unrelated news, here’s a picture of Amanda Palmer.
And last but not least, two women who wandered over from the Country Music Awards and decided they were not even going through the hassle of looking for the correct red carpet:
Can you imagine the looks they got? I can! It’s amazing!
Also, I have to say that the rain might have thrown a monkey wrench in plans, but you can tell a lot about someone by how they handle their umbrella. (Hey-o!)
Tina Fey, having been instructed to be whimsical, tries desperately to recreate a scene from The Umbrellas of Cherbourg, then freezes as she realizes that she only ever pretended to have seen it to keep her film theory friends quiet about it at parties, and doesn’t know a note.
Will Arnett knows three things:
1. That you’re judging his skinny tie.
2. Since he’s about eight feet taller than his wife, the umbrella thing is no problem.
3. He secretly hates you.
That umbrella is a Tim Burton movie just waiting to happen.
Steve Carell is not from Los Angeles. That’s why he knows how to hold an umbrella.
You know who else must not be from LA?
But the best umbrella of the night goes to:
I don’t think that dress was really worth protecting, personally, but at least Josh Jackson got to do some of the jauntiest umbrella-holding I’ve seen in a while.