Aug 31 2009

Disney buys Marvel. Too many puns!

So, Disney bought Marvel. I punned around over at Tor.com about it, because when a disaster this bad creaks into being, you should laugh before you run screaming from the corporate behemoth that is coming for you and your children, you know?

P.S. When I was a kid, my granddad bought me five stocks of Disney. In other news, today I’m going to buy a house with a pool.

P.P.S. I’ve gotten a couple of hilarious anonymous comments on my LJ since that article went up, including one about how normal people don’t shop at Goodwill. Oh, the internet; where quality folks will always find you.


Aug 31 2009

Disney Buys Marvel: Comic Book Fans Everywhere Die Little Deaths

Through the power of the internet, all secrets are brought at once to light: Disney has acquired Marvel in a $4 billion dollar deal. (License for Wolverine was $3 billion of those dollars; Silver Surfer went for 75 cents and a jelly doughnut.)

Disney, already an entertainment juggernaut (that’s one!), has been devouring other properties for years, including television networks ABC and ESPN. Grabbing a property like Marvel means that Disney can begin to do what it does best: brainstorm corporate crossovers until every writer’s assistant has had their first coronary!

It’s marginally too soon to say how Disney’s ownership will affect Marvel’s titles over time, though it’s safe to say that Disney’s hulking presence (that’s two!) will probably be serving as a sentinel (that’s three!) for a more family-friendly series of books. Whether this means the creations of new comics properties or subtle synergies like X-Men #220: Hannah Montana IS Dazzler! is yet to be determined.

On one hand, Disney’s insistence on making blandly acceptable fare might be a detriment to some titles tackling serious issues. On the other hand, Disney’s worldwide marketing stranglehold on the young female demographic means that girls might finally become a desirable audience for comics. (On the other other hand, given what Disney currently markets to girls, maybe this isn’t such a blessing.)

Things to look forward to under the new regime:

- New on ABC Family: Radical “Rogue” Miller, Mutant Sophomore!

- ESPN Presents: various sporting events with costumed characters caddying, delivering water and/or visiting swift and painful justice to all dishonorable athletes! Hulk said ball out of bounds, dammit!

- A Spider Man Musical! (Which basically proves that this cash-scrabbling buyout was inevitable, since you’re much too late for that, little one. Much too late.)

So, what say you? Has Disney’s buyout signaled the end of Marvel as we know it, or will Marvel rise from Disney’s clutches like a phoenix? (That’s four, and I’m done!)


Aug 30 2009

The Power of Editing!

My first reaction to this trailer: “Rachel Weisz! Hypatia of Alexandria! Strings music! Saving libraries! I’M IN.”

My second reaction to this trailer: “Oh, so the…and they’re all…with the people of color…and they’re vicious, mindless killers who…look, why don’t I just add this to A Night at the Movies and save us some time, okay?”


The power of editing.

Ugh, and I had been looking forward to this movie, because it was about a woman whose goal was something more than getting a dude and working hard in her job at a magazine! Hollywood, this is why we can’t have nice things.


Aug 29 2009

So cute, so sad.

This 50s ad is adorable. It’s also depressing.

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Click to embiggen.

Three interesting things:

1. This predicts the Internet – all library books, all the time! Available for homework purposes only, of course. None of those smutty novels for you, little Jimmy and Susie!

2. This also assumes that as soon as there’s a big enough electricity grid, of course we’ll switch to electric, because why wouldn’t we?

There’s nothing quite so disheartening as vintage looks at our hopes for the future, you know?

3. Basset hounds: the official dog of the future. Apparently this is a spaniel? With enormous jowls? Also with no back legs. Floating lumps: the official dog of the future? WHAT FRESH HORRORS AWAIT US?

ETA: Those slats above the patio are driving me NUTS. Just enough cover to have to wash it off all the time when the bugs build nests in it, but not enough to provide any actual shade!

(via Vintage Ads)


Aug 26 2009

Megan Fox Ruins, Illuminates Everything

In a rumor that chills the hearts of movie buffs and other multi-celled organisms everywhere, MTV UK is reporting (via The Sun) that Megan Fox has been cast as Catwoman in the next Batman movie.

I know; it made me ill, too. Try breathing into a paper bag for a second. I’ll wait.

Now, take heart: the chances of this actually happening are slim. Every dark-haired actress in Hollywood has been rumored as the next Catwoman (I’m Team Rachel Weisz, by the way), and Megan Fox is in general a lightning rod for casting gossip. Since her talents (both of them) first came to fame in Transformers, Fox has been rumored to be in the running for Wonder Woman, a Bond girl, Fathom, Hack/Slash, and Buffy, so if she got even half the roles she was rumored to have, she’d be busy for a good long while—too busy to thrust her way onto the Batman set. (I hope.)

However, this rumor is indicative of deeper issues, in which Megan Fox is a convenient cipher.

It’s no surprise that Fox is famous entirely for being hot, and seems to be happily aware of the fact that her castings are based on looks and not on talent. It’s something that no one pretends to deny; Michael Bay has admitted that Megan Fox’s audition for Transformers involved her coming over to his house and washing his Ferrari as he filmed it. (You keep it classy, Bay.)

This list of casting rumors is therefore much more interesting (and more suspect) than the norm, because it means that despite a general consensus that she can’t act, Fox has transcended her supporting roles in Transformers and Jonah Hex and is now being regarded as the kind of star who can open a big-budget movie.

Cue Hollywod exec: “Talentless and hot, you say? Shake down some comic books!”

It would be naïve to say that Fox isn’t tailor-made for comic books, where women’s waists are often smaller than their heads and series like Marvel Divas are believed to appeal to a female audience. And it’s hard to make an argument that women would be more drawn to SF and action movies starring decent actresses, since there’s too little evidence; Hollywood generally doesn’t think of women until it’s romantic-comedy or Oscar season. For now, no lack of acting talent can offset the box office value of a girl who looks like she stepped out of Marvel’s Swimsuit Issue.

There has been plenty said about how hard it is for nuanced portrayals of women and minorities to find success, both in comic books and in greater Hollywood. Given that the chances of dumpy-superheroine narratives catching on this year are slim, it’s no shock that most upcoming projects call for women who are either an object of the hero’s lust or a heroic object for the audience to lust after. However, isn’t there something fundamentally wrong with the fact that ALL FIVE major projects can be cast with the same woman—and for whom each character is usually the only woman in an otherwise male world?

What would it take for Hollywood (and comic books, and SF) to wake up to the idea that women might lay out some box-office money if the female stars could act and had something to do besides the hero?

And most importantly, how will I ever forgive Christopher Nolan if this Catwoman rumor is true?